They are refusing.

When children say 'no' to everything we ask them to do.

You love working with children and you have prepared the cutest little sessions. You love the quirky things children say and the funny questions they ask and the deep wisdom they bring to you. You love watching them grow and glow as they play around with their curiosity and are figuring out who they are. Then there is that one child that won't engage, refuses to do anything and runs off and seems defiant. You wonder what's wrong with them, or what you have done to cause a reaction that sometimes seems too big for the request that you have sent to the child.

Well, let me tell you, I have met many of these children - unable to engage, a danger to their community, refusing everything that is offered to them (no matter how colourful or cute or cool or fun), no friends, overthrowing chairs and tables.

It isn't your fault.

It also isn't the child's fault.

It never is!

I have worked with nine and ten year olds that would not talk to any of their teachers, that would refuse even looking at anything that looked like learning (even if it was just for pure entertainment). At this stage, some

have already missed a lot of learning in areas of maths and literacy, friendship skills and self-belief and -esteem. Many of them already have that inner little voice that says: "You are stupid. Don't even bother trying.", "You are dangerous and everyone is scared of you!", "You are on your own". "No one cares anyway." These are primary kids we are talking about here. I mostly work with primary. Imagine having that voice in your head as an adult... Very unpleasant and extremely demotivating and crushing. Now, imagine having a child with that voice in their heads in their beautifully malleable brains - Let's make sure that this voice does not stay for the long run because that kind of voice is sticky.

These kids can learn. And they will learn. They will even ask for it.

I have experienced this first-hand.

What is the secret? We need to understand child development a bit more and learn what developmental steps each child has to go through.

Babies need safety and the reassurance that you are there no matter what. Toddlers are beginning to explore the world and will experiment with whatever comes their way and into their hands. Three-year old will begin asking these wonderful questions that push you into the discomfort of actually not knowing. Five-year olds are exploring how secure the boundaries are, exploring the essence of who they are and checking out their own personal power. You'll have the nine-year-old that is keen to learn new skills and is understanding the structure of different systems, including their own value system. And so on. These are all examples of children that do not show significant developmental interruptions.

Once we have a really good understanding of this developmental structure, then we will understand which developmental step we are actually working with. If we don't have a strong base of safe relationships, knowing that people are there for us no matter what and meet our needs, then we will keep finding children (no matter their chronological age) that regress to these baby-typical behaviours.

Have you ever found yourself muttering "Eugh! They are acting just like a baby.", or "You are not a toddler anymore!", "Stop asking so many questions.", about a child that is chronologically waaaayyyyy older than a baby, toddler or three-year-old? The likelihood is that they are socially and emotionally just at that stage. Once you recognise that and you meet them at where they are at, by offering sensory exploration and narrating everything you are doing, seeing and feeling, you are on a good path to getting them closer to wanting to engage their brain.

I have worked with one of those nine-year-olds that had already missed a few years of actual education. With persistent showing up, consistent offering of activities while gently pushing him a bit further and extending his comfort zone, he was ready. He asked to learn maths and English. On that journey were many push-backs, many noes and ruptures and repairs - experienced in the safety of a trusting relationship, this can bring progress that will have that lasting shine. It also didn't happen in just one day, or week, or month - it took more than a year. (The earlier the intervention kicks in the better!)

Child development is the answer. Read into it, study it and watch the kids around you. It'll open many more doors.