Why I (Mostly!) Don’t Use Worksheets for Social and Emotional Interventions

Offering the right intervention is critical to move children through their developmental interruptions.

In this blog I will be offering you an insight to the developmental tasks each human has to go through and I will be sharing some practical ideas on how to build on the relational tasks towards a more cognitive way of working and processing.

The Foundation

When we first enter the world we need to feel safe, knowing that our caregivers are always near and responsive to our needs. We can’t do that ourselves, as we are completely helpless and extremely vulnerable. As we experience the different sensations in our bodies of what are our needs but we cannot fully express them other than in our whole body communication, expressing these emotions as they wave through our bodies. We are dependent on having safe relationships - someone to be there, willing to read us, willing to be curious and compassionate to meet our needs no matter what. Having entered this whole new world, so far, so wide, so much going on, so many people, so many unknowns - learning what is us and what is them - we need that loving connection that is calm and full of confidence and clarity that expresses how extremely special we are, unique and beautiful, just the way we are.

This is what should happen, this is what every single little new human should experience. In an ideal world. We also know that life does not necessarily work like that for all of us.

Of course, our sense of safety, the feeling of being special and the knowing that there are people out there to support us no matter what, can also be interrupted later in life. However, if we have a strong foundation built from the get-go, we’ll find the inner strength to anchor ourselves in feeling safe, reminding ourselves of how truly wonderful we are, and are more likely to figure out how to meet our own needs when our world feels wobbly.

Remember that co-regulation leads to self-regulation.

The Adventure

Toddlers are the masters of adventure, excitement, experimenting what is possible in the world, simply the truest explorers with their sparkly eyes of wanting to know more. Going further and higher, enjoying the joyous freedom of childhood and wilderness. The adults still have to be close-by, making sure they are not leaping from the highest branch, jumping into wild waters or running across the road following the most beautiful butterfly fluttering across.

The adults are there narrating the experiences and kindly pointing out the risks and how to keep themselves safe.

It is the time to go on adventures together whilst still in the protective space of the caregivers, filled with love, admiration and encouragement.

The two stages above require boundaries. Boundaries that are firm, providing safety, boundaries that are set with love, humour and playfulness.

Through persistence and caring presence the children are able to learn skills that will serve them later in life. Having adults around that are willing to not only see their own but also the kids' perspectives and simultaneously honouring both while sprinkling in playfulness and patience, will open the doors to a world of wonder and awe.

The Interruptions

Often I work with children that have interruptions in the above stages - not understanding their needs, feeling unsafe and really not believing that they are worth being cared for. Sometimes all of these aspects are present, and sometimes only one or two of them are - no child is the same, no lived experience is either.

Now, imagine a cute little baby, screaming to have her needs met. Flinging her limbs to get the carer's attention… Now, imagine an eight-year-old going through these motions. Yep, you can’t simply pick him up, rocking him back and forth, singing a little lullaby. By that time, they are so strong as are their emotions (That’s why early intervention is so key).

Or imagine having a ten-year-old still working through that adventurous stage of discovering the world but really not having any risk awareness - it’s not so easy to catch them when they fall off some heights.

Would you give a baby or a toddler a sheet of paper working through how to be safe?

Not really.

Yet we expect many children (because they are of an older chronological age) to do that even though they need to fill those interruptions first. We come with reason trying to connect to the prefrontal cortex which itself is not fully operating actively (yet). There is belief that the children “choose” to not do the work and are simply defiant. Trust me, they are not. Their brains and nervous systems are still thirsty and hungry for the other stuff. Let’s give it to them!

The beauty of repair, healing and the brain's plasticity

There is hope. Healing can happen at any age. The sooner we help children through their interruptions the quicker we can move them through it and the fewer years of undoing we'll have to do.

My work is focused on one-to-ones. It makes sense - a baby needs all the attention they can have. They need to know that they are sooo special that you’ll be there for them, that you’ll be curious enough to figure out what is going on for them even though they are lacking the words.

That’s what I do with my KS2 kids as well. Everything I do I narrate. Curiosity is my guide and compassion my leader.

I invite children to do tasks, i.e. “Let’s make a stress ball” and often they refuse, hiding in the hoods of their jumpers, or under a blanket, or table (anything that offers them the cocoon of safety). I don’t try to coax them or convince them to join me. It’s the game of acceptance - accept that they don't want to join and stick to the plan and play by myself, narrating what I am doing, giggling to myself, modelling enjoyment and safety. You know what usually happens? The kids come out slowly and watch. They see that there is no threat, no expectation to be right or wrong, they’ve seen how it works and feel competent to follow through.

I avoid cognitive questions such as “Why do you think this is how it works?”. Cognitive questions can be triggering for children who have experienced interruptions, as they can be seen as a challenge or an interrogation. Instead, I simply focus on sensory exploration and activities that promote fun and excitement. I express the joy of spending time together. The focus is to be safe and accepted, meeting their needs no matter what.

Sensory exploration is a wonderful way to nurture the nervous system.

When we enter the next stage of the adventures, there is no sitting still. That’s when being fully rested as an adult is paramount. Being present is the way. Remember that sparkly eyed toddler being able to move around and run into walls, spotting things, and simply enjoying the magic of the world?

In the sessions we explore the surrounding world through doing nature treasure hunts, going to soft play areas, anything that helps to understand where the body starts and ends, and what our capabilities and strengths are. The sessions are full of experiments. Volcanoes, slow motion videos of water balloons bouncing about etc. Do I ask cognitive questions? Nope. All rhetorical. And full of commentary. Expressing the joy of the excitement experienced together. Allowing the child to invite me into their wacky ideas being led by them while keeping them safe and simply narrating what I see (“Wow, did you see how that tower just fell, after you kicked it?”)

So where are the practical tips?!

You see, it’s not so straightforward. It’s all in the relationship building, through being truly curious and attuned to the child. The heart to heart kind of connectedness.

Of course, I can give you a whole long list of activities to do, I have hundreds. They won’t work unless you are willing to get down on your knees, be on eye-level and really listen to the kids you’re working with.

I can give you a rough outline of what to include to support you in your relationship building:

• Sensory activities

• Orienteering (not in the geographical sense)

• Activities with balloons (stress balls, keepy-uppy, blowing across the table)

• Activities with feather (feel them, blow them in the air)

• Food exploration (check out TastEd)

• Stories of course

• Arts and crafts (more for the experiential purpose, rather than outcome focused)

You are always more than welcome to get in touch if you have any questions or if you want to know more in greater detail.

I would be curious to know what you have found to be successful and what your observations have been.

Please let me know your thoughts. Let's share our ideas far and wide.